The Hypocritical Post

I feel bad for not feeling bad. I feel sorry to the people who are crying and devastated by this death. I do eel bad for the family, for the life lost. But I do not feel a need to post on my main social media (AKA the ones people actually know about) about how loving and sweet this girl is and how she will be missed. I will not miss her. That’s the fact. I did not have a relationship with this human being at all. Even when we played volleyball together (kinda, we were even on separate teams) we never spoke. I do not know her, I never knew her. The only thing we had in common was going to the same school. I sit here and I’m deleting friends off Facebook because of this incident. I’m deleting people from my high school when they post about her. Not so that it’s gone from my timeline. Okay, maybe partially because of that, but mostly because I don’t have a relationship with many of these people. And even if I did, I don’t anymore. I feel sympathy today, but not empathy. This is a weird concept for me because without fail, I am empathetic far more than I ever should be. Usually this gets me into all sorts of trouble, but not today. Today the fact that I’m lacking empathy is making me troublesome. I am sympathetic for the family and friends who lost a loved one, a cherish one, a friend, a girlfriend, a companion. But I do not feel that loss. I do not share in these feelings of misery. I am rattled by my lack of emotion, which in turn is making me emotional.

I am sorry to this family. I am sorry to her friends. But I am not sorry to her. I will not disrespect her life and her by pretending that she has affected me in some great way by dying. I know this sounds heartless and foolish, and like I should care more, because any life lost is hard, and the lives lost early and for inconceivable reasons are even tougher. So I am sorry, friends and family of Ashely. I am sorry for your loss. I wish that you did not have to bear this pain.

I wonder if people ever back up and wonder if there’s more going on than what I tell them. Just because we’re close doesn’t mean that I tell you absolutely everything. I’m sorry I don’t, I truly am. But sometimes I don’t feel like sharing everything as soon as it happens. And for you to say that I need to be a happier person, just makes me want to not tell you things that much more. I am a happy person. I don’t let things get to me that should. I yell for 10 minutes so that I don’t carry on for days. And for you to tell me to be a happier person after hearing about my dad making me sad, well, that’s just great of you. Thanks loads.