Oh well in five years time we could be walking round a zoo With the sun shining down over me and you And there’ll be love in the bodies of the elephants too And I’ll put my hands over your eyes, but you’ll peep through
And there’ll be sun sun sun All over our bodies And sun sun sun All down our necks And sun sun sun All over our faces And sun sun sun
So what the heck
Cos I’ll be laughing at all your silly little jokes And we’ll be laughing about how we used to smoke All those stupid little cigarettes And drink stupid wine Cos it’s what we needed to have a good time
And it was fun fun fun When we were drinking It was fun fun fun When we were drunk And it was fun fun fun When we were laughing It was fun fun fun Oh it was fun
Oh well I look at you and say It’s the happiest that I’ve ever been And I’ll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean And she’ll say Yah well I feel all pretty happy too And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you
And it’ll be Love love love All through our bodies And love love love All through our minds And it be Love love love All over her face And Love love love All over mine
Although maybe all these moments are just in my head I’ll be thinking ‘bout them as I’m lying in bed And all that I believe might never really come true But in my mind I’m havin’ a pretty good time with you
Five years time I might not know you Five years time We might not speak Oh In five years time We might not get along In five years time You might just prove me wrong
Oh there’ll be love love love Wherever you go There’ll be love love love Wherever you go There’ll be love love love Wherever you go There’ll be love love love Wherever you go There’ll be love love love Wherever you go There’ll be love love love Wherever you go There’ll be love love love
Feel miserable that not only do I let someone get so close to me, but I also am worried sick about them after they hurt me…
How is it that you can take your best friend’s phone, get my number out of it 3 weeks after we break up, start texting me, and start liking me after the first night of talking? How can you keep talking to me even though I’m you best friend’s ex? How can you develop feelings for me that are so strong, so soon? How do you just know that’s how you feel? But then to go on and tell me tings you didn’t even tell your OTHER best friend of SEVEN years? Tell me the deepest, most secretive parts of you? How can you do that, then do this? How you can tell me how much you care and how much you want us to be together and how we’d be dating if i was there? How can you tell me you never lie and tell me this is how you REALLY feel and tell me all these things? How can you just openly say I love you? How can you just do all that, trust me with yourself so much? How can you do this then stop talking to me? Fuck me over. Hurt me. Not answer when I tell you I’m crying and sick and worried. How can you not answer? How can you just ignore that after telling me you care so much?
There’s only two ways; either you lied to me all along and you never cared like you said, or you don’t even know what you’re doing. I’m assuming it’s the first. How could you not know after I’ve been trying to tell you? After I’ve been crying and sick and wondering what’s going to happen? How can you just ignore someone you say you LOVE them? How can you hurt someone like this? You can’t. You just can’t. You couldn’t have loved me. You couldn’t have truly thought you did, either, or else this would have never crossed your mind to do. I don’t understand how you can be so heartless. I don’t understand how you can lie to me. I don’t understand what I did to deserve this. This is miserable. I let you in. I let you in. I cared about you. I still care about you. And you just go about your life for the past 8 hours acting like I don’t exist. And I don’t even know why!
You assumed last night that I hurt myself. You assumed I had cut myself because I said I did something dumb. You never asked me what I did. You didn’t ask me what I really did. I burned something. I had to be in my bathroom for the window to be open and the exhaust. You never asked. You just assumed I did that. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I remembered how much you said it would hurt the other person (that being you).
I don’t know why you can’t even be a decent enough of a human being to tell me. At least to my face tell me why you’re doing this. Instead you’re ignoring me. What the hell is that about? Just talk to me, for once.
Fix You and The Scientist on repeat for hours. Why is it that the piano in their pieces makes me want to cry? Just help me. Help me make sense of whatever is dragging me down, even though I can’t even tell people what it is since I don’t know.
I don’t understand myself, but I can understand other people. Aren’t you supposed to put your mask on before helping the person next to you? I would die in the plane. I would die helping everyone but myself. Why? Because I don’t know how to help myself. I don’t know how to look out for no. 1. I don’t know how to look at myself and figure out what is wrong and how to deal with it. I can’t just look at myself and know. I have to treat myself like I’m a different person. I have to sit down and think about facts and feelings that I’ve said. If I left out a part I can’t figure out anything until I get that part back. I can’t figure out myself but I can figure out other people in like five minutes. How does that work? How can someone understand people so well but not herself? I have this issue of never looking at a situation through the correct lenses. I either look too personally (rarely), or I look at it too objectively. How can you not stand up for yourself when you know you’re right? How can you sit there and DEFEND the other person when you know deep down that you’re the one who is correct?
You always depend on someone else. No matter how hard humans try, you can never be totally, completely, 100% independent. There is always one person. No matter how remote that person may be. So what happens when you can’t find that person when you need them?
BECAUSE you feel the need to punish me because I didn’t go to the gym 3 times this week BECAUSE I WAS SICK, I have every intention of NEVER touching the goddamn gym in college. Fuck off, your plan is going to bitch slap you in the face if you keep pushing me, you asshole.
For once in my life I’m not crying help. I’m not in Mrs. Holloway’s room, nor Mrs. Hine’s room, nor my mom or even Mr. Dunn’s room. I’m not helpless. I’m not letting myself become the victim. I’m not playing the victim. I’m just not. I’m not letting people’s bullshit, insecurities, drama, problems, or general hate of life get in my way. I’m not letting anyone else’s being ruin what I’ve got going. I’m going to college. I’m leaving everyone and starting over. I’m not going to miss them. Even my closest friends from this damn school, I won’t miss them. It’s not because they remind me of this school. It’s because they aren’t good friends. I WILL miss my friends. My friends that are either already gone from school, or are just at a different one. I won’t let these other people get me down. I refuse. Because in fact I am a stronger person than people give me credit for. And I doubt any student at this school knows how capable I am. I don’t care if they know it or not though, because they don’t matter. These four insignificant years will be remembered but not longed for. I don’t know how I did it for three years. I don’t know how I allowed myself to be that person. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to be this hard-shelled, totally incapable of emotion person. But the things that get to me will not be these people. It will not be their inability to be realistic, humanistic, or just nice. It will not be their harsh words and glances, their whispering, or anything else. The things that hurt me will be the mistakes I make. The slip and fall. But I will stand up. I will brush off their dirt and keep going. I won’t stop. I won’t just lay down defeated. Because that’s not me anymore. Why would I ever let those people do that? Why would I care how you look at me, you arrogant, idiotic, egotistical, illogical human being? Why would I for a SECOND care how you view me, you attention seeking bitch? YOU DON’T MATTER TO ME. I don’t care about you or your opinion of me. I don’t care if you love me or hate me. Because why on earth should I? What have you done for me but make me stressed, angry, hurt, and tired? NOTHING.
No more tears. No more wasted water. No more hurt feelings or susceptible thoughts. No more. None. To be me, or not to be me; that is the question. I choose to be. I choose to be the best I can be, and not let anything or anyone hold me back. You can’t stop me. None of you can stop me. Setbacks are just preparation for the jerk forward. The giant leap into a new unknown. But even that can’t deter me. I am who I am. I refuse to apologize any longer.